Minneapolis to London in under 20hrs!

9.25pm: Just got on board the last of my two flights home to the UK, and am reasonably satisfied with the new seat that I obtained, now near the front on the aisle, but sadly next to one of these big arm type people who obviously is going to want to make lots of conversation and generally take up lots of space.  

9.35pm  The big arm man is now talking non stop. 'What football team do you support, which part of London are you from. blahhh blahh blahh i know everything about London....blah blah blah i know everything about Bristol'  I'm not impressed. It's been a long day. I could do without the chatter.  

10pm The pilot announces they are just fiddling about with the fuel gauge, which doesn't seem to be working

10.25pm Still not left yet, bright idea from the pilot - restart the computer on the plane. *Everything goes dark*

10.40pm The restart didn't work so now they are looking for a new fuel gauge thing to plug in.

Midnight. Sitting in the airport.  The new fuel gauge thing is coming from Atlanta to Minneapolis.  

12.10 Delta announce that they will kindly issue $50 vouchers for us to purchase food. The airport food shops are now closed.

12.11  Confrontation with Patricia from Delta airlines.  Poor old Pat struggles to defend the decision to issue vouchers that cannot actually be used and meanwhile one of the other airport staff finds the whole experience of handing out vouchers so stressful he dumps his little computer on the ground, picks up his wee rucksack and announces that he is going home.

12.13  Angry mob attacking Pat, who is now seeming confused as to why people are upset.  

12.14  One of those loud mouth morons appears from somewhere in the mob of people wearing these ridiculously large headphones, and decides to join Pat's side.  Well thanks Mr Delta.  Nothing worse than someone who always see's the positive in things when quite clearly this is not a positive situation. Do you intend to eat your flight voucher? 

12.30 Flirtatious chat with the more friendly looking Delta man.  Managed to agree a hotel and later flight, but less successful in securing an upgrade to the comfy seats in first class.  

12.32 Stupidly decide to turn down the offer of a flight the next day with the ridiculous notion that departing at 3am would actually turn out to be a better move, if only I could have seen into the future.

3am  The first set of cabin crew have long since been sent home. Now lying under some seats at the gate trapped inside a delta blanket.  

3.30am back on board at seat 21c, the seat I so proudly obtained 7hrs earlier.  Big arms returns and immediately starts talking again although at this point the distraction is welcome.

4.30am  Believe it or not, still sitting in Minneapolis.  The man opposite, like all of us is very angry although he is himself starting to become annoying as he will shout 'fucking fuckers, stop fucking talking' every time the pilot makes announcements to tell us we will be leaving shortly.  

Two guys on the other side of the plane are actually really getting on my nerves too because one of them has the most ridiculous laugh. Such a piercing squeal every few minutes. How the hell do they have the energy to do that for 7hrs already?  Perhaps we can plug his face into the plane, that might get things moving.

5.30  Has the world ended? Still not left. The delta logo is now imprinted on my bum. Will a photo of this sent to delta customers services help my compensation claim?

5.40 Departing for New York now. Yes New York. But isn't this a flight to London?  'Good evening (you mean morning? and what exactly is good about it?) ladies and gentleman we are now making our way for departure to New York, flight time of 2hrs (as if this was always part of the plan) we will serve a dinner service shortly after take off' (so at 7am then?)

7am Delta serve what they call dinner.

8am Arrive in new york, all that flying has tired out the pilots and this apparently the reason for our diversion to JFK so that we can get 2 new pilots.  Delta make an announcement to welcome us to New York and thank us for our business....

8.30am New pilots arrive. Some airport staff come on board to empty bins etc.  

9am  Announcement that doors are about to close and that ground staff should leave the plane.

9.05am Announcement to the missing ground staff who has not appeared to leave the plane.

9.09am A man wearing a JFK airport hoodie appears from the back toilet with a bag of rubbish, and quietly leaves the plane. Doors closed

9.20 Pilot announces that we are waiting on a 'tidbit' of information from the computer and then we will be on our way.

9.50  Did he mean a gigatidbit, we wonder? Still waiting.

10am Still at the gate, still not moved. Still in seat 21C.  Big arms is just about crying. Fuckity fuck man is still shouting 'Fuck off' every time an announcement is made and his wife is now joining in as supposed to trying to calm him down as she did for the first 11hrs. I now have delta logo on forehead from having my head on the seat in front of me.  I think the laughing man has died, thankfully.

10.10 Cabin crew calmly announce that they understand that we must be frustrated and that this new york flight will leave soon. (no longer any mention of the fact that this is a minneapolis flight!)

10.45  Take off to London!

7pm [London time] The sun has set once again. Breakfast roll served. (The second of two food services on what has now been an 18hr flight)

10pm [5hrs time difference] Arrive in London. Plane thumps down on runway, pilot apologises for the rough landing. Delta thank us for our business (again)


If anyone fancies that experience, please let me know, I have a $100 voucher for them. 

It's not Terry's, it's not mine, it's yours.

Warren Street Station

The woman next to me has just sat down and taken out her phone. She's got an old iphone 3 like me and is on her notes app making a to do list.  It's called 'To do list before xmas' and is subdivided into various sections. The first, 'for the flat' has a list of all sorts of importing things:

fix the front door
fix the lights on the Christmas tree
fix the normal lights

The next part is called 'food stuff':

Throw out the moldy bread
Buy new bread
Raisins? [I wonder what the debate is? Maybe sultana's are an option? Perhaps she already has some?]

Other stuff:

Ignore bf for another 2 days
Wrap presents
Buy presents (for the bf?)  
Eat chocolate
Hide chocolate wrappers

It seems this woman has got all situations carefully timed and planned out, she doesn't look all that happy though.  But then people with lists never do look happy.  

Sitting opposite - a woman with a scowl on her face, glaring at everyone and full of hatred for all these people out for some Christmas shopping.  It is clear what the problem is though... She is holding a bag with a Terry's chocolate orange inside, and it is not for her.  She is considering the moment she hands it over, and the look of bitterness is quite apparent on her face.  I can just imagine her burning with rage as she writes "It's not terry's, it's not mine, it's for you." on the christmas tag. I sympathise with her. That's enough to make anyone upset.
I bet wee baby jesus would not condone Terry's selfish creation though, it clearly brings out the worst in people at such a time.  Maybe he will be sent to hell. And could you imagine if he is, we can only hope he takes the chocolate oranges with him.  It would smell amazing down there.  It be like one of these fancy spa places and you will be able to go and relax in a giant jacuzzi full of hot bubbly melted chocolate orange.  I suppose the ones in heaven would be cleaner though, so I guess it's not a reason to want to go there. 

Tweets on the underground.

It's a quiet tube today and I'm wondering about what people here might tweet about. 
@strawberryblonde is sitting opposite me wearing the most ridiculous baggy red trousers. ''wearing matching socks and trousers to go with my hair #santasbighelper.''
Sitting on either side of me @loudscreechingirls. "omg this tube journey is destroying my hair #tubewind #LOUD'
Kings cross: @toomiserableforlife gets on with a massive blue umbrella. He is sitting staring at the map trying to distract himself from his problems, perhaps trying to imagine each tube line as a different path for him to follow and wondering how he got in such a mess.  I wonder if his big blue umbrella is a cry for help. #cryingontheinside
Warren street: @timid42 is standing holding on to the pole by the door. Afraid to get in anyone's way he has opted not to take the spare seat in between 2 others, much like men would not use the urinal next to someone else if it can possibly be helped. @obnoxiousswede however is happy to take the spare seat and immediately sticks out his arms claiming both arm rests. 
As Oxford circus approaches its a scramble for the door whilst one person stands in everyones way, busy sorting her hair using her reflection in the window. @perfect_me uploaded a picture of her new hair cut with instagram. #newhaircut #givemeattention #ME.

Oyster Vintage

Finsbury park: Two old foreign woman sit munching on some foreign looking version of percy pigs whilst the man opposite consults a map. It's like google maps, but in book form! What an idea.  I wonder if they sell that as a vintage product.  He is now consulting a plastic wallet full of tickets, maps and other documents.  I wonder if he carries a phone book with him too. 

Supposing we all abandoned modern technology to go back to the old ways, how much would we actually need to carry?  We'd need some spare change for the phone box, a phone book (with landline numbers), a diary and a little map book perhaps.  For those wikipedia moments an encyclopedia would be essential as well as a reading book.  A pen, paper, possibly a pencil for those people arrogant enough to tell a friend that they'll 'pencil them in' like they are some sort of business meeting. (Playing it by ear is of course a different and acceptable form of flakiness).  You'd need cash and a cheque book.  Perhaps a walkman for playing some taped music on the go. A watch, that would be important, even if just to keep track on how late you are for meeting somebody. 

A big issue for tube travelers would be how they would cope once they've left the station with no GPS and useless map reading skills.  There would need to be a counseling service offered at some hotspot stations to cope with the mental breakdowns that would be inevitable in such situations.  Perhaps a peer mentoring system would work whereby you'd be paired with somebody looking for the same street as you.   The man with the map book seems sensible enough though, I think he'll make it out himself.  I can't say the same for the two old ladies who are having enough issues with their bag of sweets after what appears to have been a violent battle over who gets the last foreign percy pig. 

 
Obviously nowadays the mobile phone basically does all of that, not that you'd know it on the tube. What tfl have created without realising it is the 'vintage travel' experience.  Unless you are registered with virgin media, and able to enjoy 30 seconds worth of internet at every station, our modern technology is of little use.  Let's hope they never realise this otherwise like all the other old rubbish that gets labelled vintage and then sold for a ridiculous sum of money, Oyster Vintage could be an expensive experience!

Meanwhile a woman is drinking from a rectangular bottle. She probably believes that this water is somehow better than the water everyone else drinks and has no doubt paid a lot more for it.. This is what comes of earning lots of money perhaps.  She is certainly the type that carries a pencil with her.   

Oyster Talk

People sitting with a look of a misery, ready to snap if you stand in the wrong place or sit in the seat that you should have offered or spent too long staring at the map. We are generally not very supportive of each other on the underground.  Perhaps it's time for the 'Oyster Talk' scheme, which would put an end to these strange silences on the underground trains. The carriages could be themed.  There might be the 'I hate my job' carriage(s) where perhaps people can discuss and maybe even trade jobs with each other. There could be the 'I'm new to London and want to meet new friends' carriage, which could also be known as the 'speed dating carriage for losers.' (let's face it, if you actually planned to take a train journey just to meet new people, that would be weird, but quite useful in a way. ) There might be the 'shut up and get out of my way, I'm hungover' carriage, which could also be known as the quiet carriage.  You'd need separate carriages for husbands and wife's, perhaps even they'd be going in different directions depending on the extent of the relationship troubles.  The 'advice' carriage could be in the Middle. Everyone needs some advice and guidance now and again, imagine getting it from strangers in the middle of a train on a morning commute. It could become the ultimate support network for the general day to day things that we encounter.  A chance to talk and reflect on whatever it is that is on peoples minds.  Either it will make us a happier, well informed and advised bunch of commuters, or it would just spread doom and gloom. I suppose it depends if we are an overly optimistic or pessimistic nation. 

Obviously smelly people would be completely banned from the whole scheme. The oyster talk card might have a slogan 'shower before rush hour, or walk.' No, it's not catchy, but if it 'raises standards' then that's all good. 

The circle line would be completely dedicated to a different sort of person.  It will be for the likes of the person that comes up with these ridiculous adverts for BA (if I wanted a lemon, I'd probably just buy a lemon from the shop thanks),  call centre people, weather forecasters (except for Carol from BBC), tourists, people that get in the way and people that tweet more than 6 times a day.  You'd probably encourage people that blog to go there too although it would depend on the blog.  There would obviously need to be health considerations.  With that many annoying people confined into one tube line you'd probably need an exclusion zone for peak time. Actually, there is probably a good case for this being on one of the tube lines than runs deeper underground for sake of health and safety.  

Oyster Talk. Coming soon.  

 

TFL takes over the colours of the map, sending the rest of the world into darkness.

A woman just walked on at Kings Cross eating from a red bag of hulla hoops and what with the recent success for Cadbury gaining ownership of the colour purple that they use on their products, it made me wonder if soon someone will buy the colours red, green and blue to sell to brands such as Walkers. And just imagine if London underground starts claiming the rights to exclusive use of colours for their tube lines, the world once again will become black and white (assuming that nobody owns these already).  To think we are currently complain about paying for electricity and heating when the future will be paying for colour! Autumn will be an expensive month as tree's selfishly hijack a range of copyrighted colours.  

Maybe the future for tfl is brand named tube lines, the Piccadilly could become the Cadbury line, whilst the Hamersmith and city line becomes the lastminute.com line. If my crips plan goes ahead that would mean the ready salted line may soon be the new central, whilst cheese and onion will take over the district. "There are currently minor delays on the lastminute.com line due to a legal battle with walkers over the use of 'their' prawn cocktail colour pink. "

If they don't buy buy them up soon, tfl can expect to start fighting off many a legal battle as fools of the world snap up ownership of colours much like people apparently own acres of the moon. The sad thing is not only do we have morons in the world that try to do this, there are those that allow it to happen too.  Colour tax is inevitable, which is finally some good news for all those ugly 70's buildings, which would presumably be exempt from such a scheme.

Working life

Warren street: Fairly busy this afternoon, not much going on really but I have started to wonder to myself what everyone might do for a living. There are some obvious characters to start with. One girl is sitting frantically reading over a script, one of these actor types, I imagine she works in a Starbucks or perhaps one of these natural food shops, I have not yet met an actor in London that actually makes money from acting!  The man opposite is smartly dressed but wearing jeans. Quite possibly a graphic designer. 

Kings cross: A dazed looking man with fairly long grey curly hair gets on. I'm thinking gardner or perhaps he is a postman.  I hope he is more with it when is on his rounds. He looks reasonably trustworthy though. He might be one of the few to actually ring the bell and attempt to deliver your parcel rather than just post a 'sorry i missed you' card in the postbox.

The woman opposite him is obviously a hairdresser. She has the most ridiculous style I've seen, you'd think they would go for something that other people might like... the woman next to her however is smartly dressed with normal hair but looks vicious. Possibly a teacher, although I can't decide which subject she would teach.  Actually I think she might be a head teacher.  I doubt she is popular.  I wonder if she cares though.  Do these people really have feelings?  I don't think so.   

A small man just got on. He has a very round head and looks very untrustworthy. I can't really imagine him in any job but I am sure he has one, unlike the woman next to him who has obviously been out of work for a while, only by her own choice though.  I think she may have once worked in a bakery although not in London. She will have been full of all the gossip and would regularly talk about the weather, as we all do in the UK when there is nothing else to say.  I can just imagine her sneezing into her hands, wiping them on her apron and then serving up some yummy cakes. It's brought back a memory of dodgy goings on with the food in a certain halls of residence that I once worked in.  Hygiene is over-rated anyway, its just a task for those with a lack of understanding of how the immune system really works. 

Ah now this woman, with a tonne of make up, fake tanned, about 50 something with a nice suit on. She is someone's PA.  Efficient and dedicated to her work, she no doubt is good at what she does.  She looks fierce though, you wouldn't mess with her.  Attractive though, I bet there is a flirtatious relationship with the boss but I'm sure nothing has happened between them, she might not be married, but is he? 

Cable cars!

On the cable cars of San Francisco it's more 'Mind everything!' than 'mind the gap.' 'Stand clear of the doors'? Well, there are no doors.  'Hold on to the handrail'?  Yes, definitely - especially make sure the hands are not sweaty for a better grip.
After a 45 minute wait and a charge of $6 you have to question why you'd want to board a rickety wooden contraption on wheels that gets yanked up and down the hills of San Francisco by an underground cable system.  But once on board and standing on the edge and leaning out in the way of traffic you realise there really is no better way to go.  The cable car is probably the most exciting way to travel.  

There are four Chinese people sitting near me and the cable car man is giving them advice on where to eat in Chinatown, which is on this route. He told them to make sure to prod their food with chopsticks to make sure it's dead first and to be sure to ask where the meat comes from. They are finding this hilarious and have just burst into a fit of laughter. I'm not sure if they are laughing at the accent he put on whilst saying this, the fact he assumed they were going to china town or whether it was the dead food thing.  Perhaps they are actually the ones making a delivery of seagulls from the pier, they do have rather large bags.
A couple just got on at Lombard street and the woman rudely pushed her way into my spot, which she regretted when she realised how difficult it is to hold on as the car hurtles down the hill! She is now squealing in my ear whilst the man who got on with her is trying to hold on casually and is mocking her screaming. A quick glance at his now bright red hand is enough to see he is not all that calm about the situation either. It's one of the few places where you don't hear the automated 'hold on to the handrails message', but this is certainly the place to do so. The boy in front is trying to take a picture with his iPhone, which is making me nervous because he is only holding it with two fingers. I wish so much I had a camera with a strap or something because there are some great views on this journey.  

 
In a world now obsessed with health and safety, it's quite refreshing to be standing on something that has only one safety feature - a set of wooden blocks that can be dug into the rails to stop the car in an emergency. I wonder if my travel insurance covers this ride, after all this is basically just an elaborate game of chicken where the aim of the game is to not be hit by car wing mirrors as we whizz up and down the hills. We just had very close call with a truck that was coming up the other hill on Powell.  You just can't see anything when you get near to the top of a hill or to a corner because of all the tall buildings and so it's basically a case of bashing on ahead whilst a little bell attached to the roof rings loudly, and wooden blocks hover just above the ground at the ready should something get in the way.  I hope these drivers aren't percussionists, this would not be the place for playing woodblocks out of time! 

The smell of the wood burning as it rubs along the road is actually a really nice one, but just keep in mind that this is the smell of an obstacle a few feet down the hill from you...

From the Californian Zephyr part 2

16th August: Glenwood springs. We have just stopped somewhere in e rockies not far from Glenwood springs. The scenery today has been amazing! Much much more interesting than the first part. The trains here are huge, every now and again we pass a train with over 100 carriages of freight, roughly about a mile long.  Running late today because a crane fell on the track. Unlike in the U.K there is no compensation for being 3hr late, they actually state on the website that they are not responsible for running on time.  Anyway what's 3hrs on to a 60hr train journey. Plenty more curious characters on board today. 

3pm: I'just had the most ridiculous conversation with an American from Chicago, who is in the military. He is heading to Glenwood springs for some sort of reunion. He, like many Americans, thinks that the world revolves around them and it took some time to convince him of some of our differences. For the second time in two days I had to explain that not every country in the world uses the same plug sockets for example.  He just about died of shock when he saw my U.K phone charger and it's three pins.  Guns of course according to him are a basic necessity and we in the U.K are crazy to not have them. Ahh but then the medical science expert that was on yesterday would no doubt believe meditation would heal a gunshot wound anyway, so they are probably all fine. Now across the other side is a mother and teenage child, and t hey both have the most expensive looking camera's I've ever seen with all sorts of different gadgets to go with it. We just went through what is considered to be the most scenic part of e trip, and there they are Sitting playing cards!  Behind me is some annoying idiot who made a big song and dance about how he got a seat on the side of the train with the best view. Well he is looking at nothing other than the side of a mountain now. I'd have sympathy for him if he hadn't made such a fuss bragging about his view earlier. He has got one of these ridiculous cowboy hats on, I can't believe people actually where these things. Earlier, I was joined by two texans, which was obvious from the struggle that they had to go through just to fit into what I would say are pretty gigantic seats. They were nice though. They too had an expensive camera, but sadly did not know how to turn the timer function off, so they no doubt left with expensive shots of the best scenery 10 seconds after it had passed.  

6pm: The man in front of us is clearly loving this journey, as most of us are, however he just cannot keep it too himself. "wooow, ohhhh goshhhh, ooooh. Maryln, look, isn't it stunning, it's soo amazing , wow just look out of the window, god it looks so good when you look out of the window"(as supposed to looking out of ....?)  Marlyn seems slightly embarrassed to be sitting next to him (rightly so), and it has just become clear that she obviously did not agree to this trip. She just looked away from him with a look of disgust on her face. If she wants a divorce, I think she better wait another 25hrs before she tells him. 

8pm: In my room now thanks to an early upgrade.  Marigold is my room attendant. She is really nice and helpful. She just talked me through the function of a basic light switch. "the white button on the wall there, thats your light switch. Push it to the left, your light will go off. Push it back to the right, and your light will go on." I only wish she talked me through the air conditioning situation, its sliding control switch truly stumped me. The train journey couldn't really get any better, except it just has because my room is like a little observatory and I can lie here in the dark looking at the stars, they are soooo bright! 

From the Californian Zephyr

6 hrs into the journey so far, sitting in what they call the observation car, for the obvious reason that it's good for observing the scenery go by with the big glass windows up the side and roof of the train. There is quite a mixture of people here. At the moment, one man who is travelling by himself is talking to a couple about how he is an expert medical scientist. Meditation, he believes, is what all GP's should be recommending more often. Obviously this would cut costs to healthcare, but the true point of the matter is its proven ability to cure everything. Wow, we are so last year in the U.K. On the other side of the carriage, a sort of Texan American is sitting he looks ready to shoot someone, but I'm not too worried. He has started on the  alcohol a few hours ago, and keeps making jokes that aren't funny. His joke about crossing the Mississippi did confuse me though, and if he knew that then I'm sure at least he would be able to laugh.  It turns out that your really can't miss the mississippi.  It is rather wide. But before that moment, i was ready with camera fearing that I'd missed it each time we whizzed by a small trickle of water.  The view tonight is stunning. The sun is slowly setting inn thesky, which is now a nice orangey red colour shining over the state of Iowa, which in itself looks rather bland from here, but nevertheless I'm enjoying it.  A few places in front of me, a couple have obviously long ago decided never ever to cut or indeed touch their hair ever again. I've heard that if you leave it long enough, hair will start to clean itself or something. Well I don't know, but it's long, and smelly, its fine.  Further down is a German pair of guys who are traveling together across the states.  I met one of them earlier. He seemed a nice guy, he studies electronics in Germany. The second German that I've met today studying electronics.... Strange. Anyway, it turns out that they don't have much to say, and actually he is glued to the window with his camera. I wonder if you could somehow add the value of seeing such wonderful sights against the value of having great pictures of it, which is better? It seems to me that he has missed out. The point of being he is surely to sit back and take in the view, the rest google images can deal with, but I understand this, we all do it. God knows why. I tried to take a picture of the Mississippi and all I have is the blur of the bridge as we crossed over.  
Now back at my reserved seat, there is another collection of curious people. I haven't seen them in hours actually, they might think I've left, which is making me nervous because I have a good window seat there.  The thing with being on such a long train journey is that you obviously don.t want to be surronded by anooying people.  I kept telling myself that they weren.t annoying until one woman started discussing the issues with bears in Scotland (they had just watched Brave) Another woman decides to play her music. I suppose we have all been invited to listen to it, as she has opted not to be polite and use headphones.  Meanwhile, the couple on the other side proceed to slag the film off, which would have been ok until they claimed that the bears in the film were too far, since it was too scary.  The only other slightly annoying thing is Stacey from the dining car. She makes an announcement every now and again about dinner reservations. She speaks really really slowwwwwly and loudly going on about all her different options for eating, repeating everything at least twice as she goes. I thought it was an American thing but the guy next to me seemed to find her strange so I suppose it's not. 

 It's great though otherwise. Lots of chit chat with interesting people, lots of nice views. Comfy seats. What better way to spend a 24th birthday. I wish Stacey could do me a mojito.